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Simply, there are three types of forgivenesses in marriage: Forgiving your partner, forgiving a situation or circumstance and forgiving yourself. This page makes the case for performing frequent forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness. It is hoped that when you read this, it will make you think about forgiveness and what it means to you and why it is so vital to health. You may find that forgiveness means more to you than ever before. You may want to use this tool often.

Consider this:

  • In the course of being together, each of you regularly makes choices which impact your life, your partner's life and your marriage.

  • At the time a choice is made, there is a result or goal associated with it as something reasonably expected to occur after the choice.

  • The choice and its expected result was based entirely on what was known to be true at the time.

  • The actual results are often different than the expected results.

  • In retrospect, a person may realize that had they known better, more, or differently, they would have made a modified or completely different choice.

  • You and your partner are each human.

  • One of the tendencies of a human is to look back at a choice that brought an undesirable result, and label it as a 'mistake,' forgetting that the choice was sincerely based upon what was known at the time (they in fact did their best).

  • In looking back, humans tend to judge their choices and themselves. They will label the choice as 'bad' or that it caused 'bad' or themselves as 'bad' for making the choice (internal self-talk: "I should have known. Why did I do such a dumb thing. Da, how stupid can I be?") Sadness and anger, often follow these labels, which are also known as negative self-judgments. Some of these judgments will be directed toward others. They are however in some way always directed against ourselves.

  • These judgments are quite conclusive to us because they wrap up what happened and seal it as a forever-like truth. This is significant because we don't just judge and let it go. We freeze a person or situation in time as if adjudicated by a court of last resort with a clear precedent set ('I am bad and that's ALL there is to it!')." We continue to adhere to or hold the judgment against the other person or ourselves. It lives on as a part of our belief system. **

  • "Okay, we now understand this, but what do we do with the hurt and the unpleasant and negative feelings involved? How do we feel better?

  • By stopping it.

    By deleting the frozen judgment. By giving it up. By For-GIV-ing it!

  • The point?

    Use forgiveness to let go of judgments, particularly self-judgments.

  • "But", you say, "Why don't we just not judge in the first place and then have nothing to forgive?"

    Theoretically true, sounds great, but not realistic.

    Sure, if we don't judge, there won't be any judgments and therefore we will have nothing to let go of. However, the reality is that we do judge. And it does hurt and limit things. And we want to have a way to deal with this. We need the tool of forgiveness.

Your viewpoint? We'd love to hear it.

** The highest truth is that no one's essence can be bad or is bad. This is because the universe is based on good and everything therefore has its roots in good. This means that when we know better we do better. We always do what we do given what we know at the time. Change what we know at the time? Our choice will be different in some way. (Did you hear what I heard? A little message about the importance of learning and education?)

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